It’s a funny thing, really. I thought I had befriended grief, but I still get caught off-guard when she shows up at my doorstep unannounced, as she is often prone to do.
(Photo by Pixabay: https://www.pexels.com/photo/woman-looking-at-sea-while-sitting-on-beach-247314/)
When I left my marriage in October I deliberately ran headlong into my grief. Having been on an intense spiritual journey for the past several years, I knew that I wanted to offer no resistance to the waves of sadness that I knew would wash over me. I poured myself into yoga and breath-work because I already knew it helped me. I didn’t want to make reactive decisions for my life at a time so rich with potential, so I determined to move through my grief before deciding what to do next. Despite the number of times life has taken an abrupt turn and forced me to pivot, I never quite learned my lesson that when everything is up in the air, that is the best time to make deliberate moves in the right direction. But I never had a direction, so each pivot just flung me towards different waves that were equally chaotic. Things are different this time though.
Despite my current situation (if you are on TikTok and saw this video, you know what I mean), I feel a deep and abiding sense of peace that everything is going to be okay. And truly, everything already is okay. I’m so grateful that I was able to focus on moving through my grief a few months ago when it was at its peak. Diving headlong into uncomfortable emotions is never an easy choice, but it has always been beneficial in my case. I’ve since developed clarity about the life I want, and each day I take further steps toward it. I’ve since made peace with the fact that the pathway toward what I want will only ever be revealed one step at a time. Instead of getting impatient or anxious about it, I’m content with being exactly where I am. I trust that Divine timing is at play and that the next stepping stone will be illuminated when it needs to be - not a moment before. It’s a lot of work to stay in this mindset, but every day it gets a little bit easier to stay centred and grateful.
Still, grief has blindsided me again. I suspect it’s the changing of the seasons, or maybe I’ve just given myself enough safety to feel the next layer, but either way, it hit me like a truck the other day. Spring and summer were the best times with my ex, and I’m mourning the fact that so many good memories won’t be replicated. For many months I couldn’t face the good memories. I think that’s typical for grief. The good memories hurt more than the bad ones, and I’m not surprised by the delayed arrival. I’m grateful to have good memories to mourn. I’m grateful for the experiences and the emotions. I’m grateful for the wisdom I learned in this relationship and the many ways I changed because of it. I left because I loved him, and I grew because I was loved by him. I’m grateful that despite the many heartbreaks I’ve endured, I am still able to have an open heart. My greatest fear has always been closing my heart due to pain, but these past few months have shown me that my willingness to be vulnerable is the key to my healing and my abundance.
I love being who I am. I love having an open heart. I love that despite the external reality of my life right now, I am not stuck thinking that I am stuck. I am willing to face the waves of life, no matter what they throw at me, and because of that, I’m able to see myself in a light that is not only illuminating, but flattering. Grief is here, and I don’t know how long she’ll stay, but this time she is not alone. She is accompanied by her trusted companion, Gratitude, as well as Hope, and even Joy.
They say time heals all wounds, and I really hate that they say that. Truthfully, time reveals all wounds, but I have found that presence is the key to healing them. When we are present with our grief, time ceases to exist. When we are present with our grief, we allow it to move through and out of us, leaving a trail of appreciation in its wake. Whatever you are grieving, I pray that you are able to bravely find stillness and sit with it, thank it, and let it go when it is time.
I love you.
❤️✌️