I’ve been doing a lot of thinking lately. I’m coming out of a long, dark night of the soul and I’m beginning to see the light pouring in at the end of the tunnel. Believe me when I say this excites me!
It also leaves me feeling a little bit vulnerable. I’ve been in process for so many years now, and I struggled constantly for so many years before that. What does life look like when you are at peace with yourself, and you’ve healed the major traumas and generational traumas that were dealt to you early in life? Of course, the spiritual awakening process never ends, but I like to think it will be less intense as I settle into a new way of being. I definitely hope so.
I’ve recently been spending a lot of time envisioning what my best-lived life looks like. This is difficult because I’m expansive and self-aware. I both enjoy my own company and the slow life at home, and I’m also energized by people and driven to be ambitious. I’m fire and water, and while that makes my general human experience more balanced, it does make it hard to niche down what my interests are. Truly, I’m interested in everything.
One thing that I do know I have to offer the world, however, is a unique perspective, and I know from the occasional feedback I get, that my perspective is valued. I can’t tell you how much I appreciate your feedback, positive or negative. I want to impact the world in positive ways, and your responses let me know if I am doing that - and if I am not.
My spiritual journey has transformed me from the inside out. I am no longer the person I was a few years ago, or even a few months ago. I am simultaneously unrecognizable from before, and more authentically the same person I always was. I have deepened my knowledge of Self and I have released what was never me to begin with. I love who I am, and I’m so grateful to be her. My next question, simply, is, “Now what?”
Outside of peace with myself, which alone makes the journey worth it, what is the point of personal growth and transformation? What is the point of spirituality? I grew up in religion and voluntarily engaged with religion for a large proportion of my life. I have spent more time being religious than not, and yet, I never saw the impact it had on my life outside of the Sunday morning gatherings and the occasional Bible study. I think that disconnect is what led me to the precipice of the Void in the first place. Now that I comfortably live in the void, what impact does it have on my life?
After some reflection, I can share this with you: a spiritual awakening leads us back home to ourselves, allowing us to be more fully human and more fully Divine. The goal is not to escape the human experience but to dive more fully into it. Spirituality increases our capacity to experience joy and suffering, worship and anger, hope and despair. It is a widening and a deepening of God’s love for us, and our own love for ourselves. To go through a spiritual awakening is to bravely face the unknown and discover that even there, we are Loved.
This has impacted my life in every conceivable way. I could write lists of individual moments that have shown me how far I have come and how deeply I am Loved. But you don’t have time for that, and neither do I, so I narrowed it down to four areas that are not exhaustive, but fairly comprehensive.
Here are four of the biggest areas that my spiritual awakening has impacted my human experience:
My relationship with myself. This is primarily what I have spoken about so far. The changing internal perceptions, conceptions, and resulting decisions have forever changed the way I live with myself. Instead of running away from the overwhelming anxiety of my incessant thoughts, I now sit peacefully with myself because the fewer thoughts I have are also significantly more pleasant. Intrusive thoughts still show up sometimes though, because as I said, this journey never ends. What happens when intrusive thoughts show up now? Well, usually I recognize them right away for what they are before releasing them from my mind. I thank them for their attempts to help, because at the root of all intrusive thoughts is a subconscious attempt to protect ourselves from perceived danger. The suggestions that we are not good enough, not worthy, not capable, stem from the fear of failure and abandonment by our community. Our capacity to love ourselves is so much greater than I once believed, and the arrival of intrusive thoughts is always another opportunity to shower myself with grace and gentleness.
My relationships with others. Admittedly, I have significantly fewer relationships than I used to, especially when it comes to religious circles, which I once believed were the structure of spirituality. It recently clicked that the community I have been searching for was already under my nose. Though my relationships are scattered, rather than conveniently centralized in a Sunday service, the joy I get from investing in those relationships, and the blessings I receive from those relationships, are unparalleled. I have never felt loved and supported the way I do these days, and it is all because I allowed myself to tear down religious thought structures and open myself up to a greater Divine Love than I previously believed possible.
My time and energy. I am stingy with my time. I give it all to myself now. I soak in my own presence. I cook. I bake. I clean. I write. I read. I paint. I do my favourite things at every opportune moment, and I say no to things that don’t feel right for me. The old me would critically view this as selfish, while the new me is uncomplicatedly happy. It’s a simple equation. I no longer focus on what other people are doing for me because I’m too busy doing things for myself. My unspoken expectations of others have dissolved because I accept that just as I am in charge of my own time and energy, so is everybody else. What others give to me is a gift, and it is humbly received. Unmet expectations, grudges, and bitterness are all things of the past because I am so good at budgeting and spending and investing my own time and energy.
My money. This is the most difficult one to talk about right now because, well, I have none. I have been sharing a little bit about my financial journey on TikTok, including my reasons for being in this place. Making decisions from a place of integrity is not easy, and part of the spiritual journey is learning how to sacrifice. This is fundamentally true, regardless of where you stand spiritually. Yet, having very little has taught me more about my financial values than at any other time in my life. Just as time and attention are energy, so is money. Money is the great equalizer of all goods and services, a measurement of value based on supply and demand. I am not a financial expert, but I am certainly a fan of money. This is the area that I am looking forward to growing in the most, and I have a lot more thoughts to share.
Spirituality, like Love, does not always look the way we think it does. Religion teaches us that we are separate from God, from each other, and from ourselves. Even if you have never stepped foot in a church, western civilization is built on this premise of separation and you are still impacted by it. Spirituality teaches us that we are all one. I am One with myself, with Other, and with God. Being human and being spiritual are two facets of the same complex structure that is you, and that is me. Spirituality is intended to deepen the human experience, rather than compartmentalize it.
As I emerge from my years-long cocoon, I’m looking forward to sharing more down-to-earth thoughts on what it means to live my best human life, complete with thoughts on self-love, healthy relationships, energetic exchange, and money as energy. I have so many thoughts to share, and so many ideas, and this platform is the most expansive way I can think of to share it all.
I’ll be starting a weekly email to start, so if you are interested, please feel free to sign up to stay connected. I’ll be sharing my thoughts and discussing connections between all things. It will be esoteric and practical and hopefully a fun read.
I also plan to create more content on YouTube and TikTok, mostly in the realm of conscious consumerism, which is something I think about a lot. Money as energy can be translated into a language that impacts us on every level, not just financially. I’ll go deeper into discussing energetic exchange, conscious choices, product reviews, various certifications, and more. I’ll also dig into anything that you guys are interested in, so please feel free to shoot your questions my way.
At the end of the day, my spiritual journey has taught me that we only have power over ourselves. There is nothing we can do about anybody or anything else. It took me a while to see the incredible gift in this. Becoming spiritual humans enables us to make each decision count. The sum total of our thoughts and actions is the sum total of our life. Little by little, we can begin to make choices that align more fully with our human values and ethics, and collectively, we can begin making larger waves toward healing our society.
Love you.
❤️✌️