Eating My Words

If you are the kind of person who loves it when other people are wrong, then grab your popcorn

my frienemy, because I’m about to eat my words.

I wrote in my last post about the peace I currently have in the midst of having nothing. After some careful consideration, I have come to realize that I don’t have nothing. In fact, I have quite the opposite of nothing: I have everything I need. And as it turns out, I don’t need much.

The problem, it seems, is that I do not yet have everything that I desire, but what I do have is abundant. I’m going to tell you about all the things I have in a moment, but first, I have to acknowledge that when I write from an authentic place, sometimes that place is authentically incorrect. I am going easy on myself in this regard: things ARE stressful, and I DO keep losing what I reach out to grasp hold of. Through the wealth of wisdom I have accumulated over the years, I trust unwaveringly that the things which are not in my grasp are the things not meant for me. I would rather remain empty-handed for the time being, so that when my time comes, I am ready to receive what is for me. In my experience, playing the long game is the winning tactic, and I have come too far to let myself sink into victim mentality now. So, while I don’t yet have all that I desire, I remain at peace in the process because I do have everything I need, and so much more.

What do I have? So much:

1. Friends. Not many, true, but the few I do have are the most grounded, honest, supportive, authentic people I know. I have burned a lot of bridges, both with friends and with family. I have done this knowingly, though not without sorrow. I don’t have many people in my life because of this, but the people who are in my corner are fiercely loved and appreciated.

2. Independence. I currently have the maximum say possible in who I am, what I do, where I go, when I do things, why I do the things I do, and how I do them. For better or for worse, every single one of my choices holds me accountable to myself now. There is no blame to be given, and all credit for good choices goes to me. I have never experienced this level of responsibility before and it’s daunting - and exhilarating.

3. Opportunity. I have a job, but it’s just that, a job. It’s satisfactory enough that I am not depressed, but it’s underwhelming enough that I am motivated to pursue my passions. The panic I sometimes feel when the reality of having a job vs a purpose is highly motivating and I have never felt this driven in my life. I am currently getting a certificate in grant writing, and I have been learning how to go out and create opportunities for myself through networking. It’s hard to network when you don’t know many people, so I’m putting myself out there with strangers and going after the things I want anyway. When I am too comfortable, I miss opportunities that are evident all around me. It’s only through breaking out of my comfort zone that I am forced to think creatively. When I can’t see opportunity in the expected places, I still have the option to think outside the box - or create a brand new opportunity entirely. There is no such thing as a dead end, I am discovering, only giving up before I find a way through.

4. Fire. This one is a combination of all the drive, motivation, ambition, and determination I feel burning inside of me. It’s a physical sensation. I have never been hungrier for good things in my life - nor have I ever been so certain that I can have them. This fire is becoming my companion and everything I do, whether work or rest, is considered through the lens of keeping it burning. Too much work and the fire will consume me; not enough work and the fire dies out. Just the right balance of input and output keeps this fire crackling, and it’s fuelling me towards the things I most desire.

5. Spiritual gifts. My spidey senses are lighting up these days. I know things that I can’t possibly know and am confirmed correct. I make accurate predictions. I understand concepts that are beyond my knowledge. I experience multiple synchronicities all day, every day. With every distraction removed, there is nothing to do but commune with God. And when I open my heart to God, God comes through. Every single time. Which leads me to the next thing:

6. Provision. Daily. Literally, I have everything I need. Sometimes I think I need something else, but I have to go without it for a while. And you know what? I’m always fine. Half the time I forget about it anyway. I have food in the fridge, a roof over my head, and gas in my car. I have more than most people, and even if I don’t always know where the next provision is coming from, it never has never failed to show up. Not once. Never. God is good, and I am learning to relax into the trusting that comes from living in communion with the Divine. I don’t need to know it all or have it all, because I know the one who does.

7. Peace. Obviously. I already wrote about that. But damn. It’s worth everything. I can’t believe I thought I had peace in the midst of nothing. Peace IS everything. Smh.

8. Hope. Sometimes I lose it for a minute, that's true. I used to lose hope for months at a time. Then weeks. Then days. Then hours. Slowly, very slowly, I am finding my way back to hope with more ease every time I lose it. I also lose hope less than I used to, because I am putting it in the right places: a God who never fails, and myself, who I love. I am discovering how powerful hope is. It literally saves lives.

9. Health. I am healthy. My kids are healthy. How could I complain about anything when our vitality, life force itself, is worth more than its weight in gold? To feel good in my body, to have energy, to sleep well, to cook healthy meals, it’s all a huge blessing and I never want to take it for granted.

10. Love. Love is everywhere. I find it every day. I can find it in every moment if I’m paying attention. If you know the series, His Dark Materials by Philip Pullman, I often think of Love as the little niggle that is felt when the Subtle Knife finds a place to tear into another world. It’s always there, but you have to find that balance between focus and surrender in order to find it, and even then it’s easy to miss. If you haven’t read the books, don’t worry about it. Or go read them. You do you, I love you regardless.
    

There’s a LOT more that I have right now, but I think I’ve made my point. I am brimming with abundance. Overflowing. My cup runs over. I may not be where I want to go, but I am travelling there in luxury. I do not have nothing. I have everything. God, please never let me forget it.

✌️❤️