Emmanuel.

I left a marriage in October. It's March now, and I'm finally ready to talk about it. The reason I know I'm ready is because I am finding neutrality in the places that previously needed healing. What I have come to learn through many failures, in every type of relationship, is that friction betrays our own wounds, not the other person's faults.

I left my marriage because I was embodying the worst versions of myself more often than my best, and it wasn't for lack of trying. As time passed, the ugly, unhealed sides of myself seemed to emerge more and more, though my inner world was growing stronger. It's disheartening to look back and know that what others see as my worst attributes were the times I was trying my hardest.

When I spoke to my ex-husband today, I saw old patterns emerge that would typically trigger me. I recognized patterns in how I used to interpret things and respond from those assumptions. Triggers exist to point us back to ourselves, not to point the finger at another person. When I spoke to him today, I recognized my old patterns, but from a higher perspective. I know this because I wasn't pulled in. I didn't react in my words or my actions, but I also didn't react in my emotions either. I felt neutral about the interaction, and when the conversation was over, it was over in my head too.

The truth is, what was a fairly quick realization to leave had a long, slow build. I am not impulsive when it comes to matters of the heart. This was well and thoroughly considered from every possible angle. And from every single perspective, the most Loving choice I could see was to leave. Loving to myself, loving to him, and to the best of my understanding, loving towards the kids involved. The problem is, Love doesn't always look the way we think it should.

I know I am alone in seeing Love from this perspective. I've stood alone since October and owned this decision when everybody else, including my own family, believed I was wrong. Having integrity can be lonely, but I learned many years ago that it is more lonely to be severed from myself through compromising it.

It has taken me months of deep-diving to get to this place. It also took a short (but good) dating experience to see my own growth from the beginning to the end of a cycle. Standing in my integrity means that I choose to hold the pain that I caused, as well as the truth of why I caused it, and I choose to hold it alone. I don't project it onto others because it is not their responsibility to bear. It is mine.

I'm not calling myself a leader, but leadership has been on my mind lately, and this is the kind of integrity that I would like to see powerful people have. Being a leader requires making fearless decisions, and having the strength to bear the outcome, both positive and negative. Life is full of polarities and every decision is both good and bad. There is no perfect system, no perfect relationship, no perfect human. There is only you, and me, and we stand alone, whether we acknowledge it or not. Integrity means choosing to be the kind of person we can live alone with, for better or for worse.

It's been a long road to find peace within neutrality. It's also been lonely, standing my ground and knowing that I am misunderstood. I don't think I will change any minds here, but my hope is that new minds might be opened to the possibility that when we take responsibility for every aspect of our lives, we discover freedom and empowerment, and most of all Love. There is nothing but Love in the difficult decisions, because God meets us in the loneliest of places. Emmanuel, God with us. Loneliness teaches us that when we are alone, we are never truly alone, and we are always, ALWAYS Loved.

✌️❤️