Non-attachment

Something clicked for me the other day. I heard the words, "non-attachment," and realized that the past few years have been a hands-on learning experience. I know that by definition you can't master non-attachment, because mastery is an ego-delusion, but I have just enough ego left to indulge myself for a moment: I may not have mastered the art, but I'm getting pretty fucking good at it.

To be honest, it's pretty easy to practice non-attachment when you don't have anything. I really have very little at this point in my life. I am a free agent in the universe and I carry very little luggage, in both an emotional and a physical sense. My spiritual journey seems to be reverting me back into pure potential, rather than forwards into differentiation. It sounds terrifying but truthfully I am more at peace than I ever have been. I have ups and downs, but I'm learning what triggers me and letting go of even more. The more I suffer, the freer I become. It's a shit deal, but it's Truth.

These days I'm making peace with my worst fears, and I'm being given a mirror to see the fears I have already overcome. Rejection is the name of this season, and instead of feeling crushed and worthless, I feel peaceful and even joyful. In the past, when I was told I was too much, or not enough, I doubled down on my efforts to contort myself into a more palatable size. Now I just smile and agree. Yes, I am too much for some. Yes, I am also not enough for others. And yes, I am just exactly the right amount for myself. It would be cool to learn those lessons through a more pleasurable method than rejection, but I don't make the rules, and I now know better than to rebel against them. I am no match for God. So now I smile, surrender, and let more be taken away from me. And in the midst of having nothing, I am okay. I am more than okay. I am peaceful. I am resolute. I even have joy, though it still wavers at times. I don't want to live here in the void forever, but for now, I peacefully accept it.

The craziest part of all that I'm currently going through is the underlying current of peace that has persisted throughout. Sometimes I start to panic, but I always find my way back to peace. It's actually pretty incredible. I used to be such a ball of anxiety all the time. I worried about anything and everything, all the time, obsessively. Now I can always choose peace, even if it does mean riding some waves to get there.

There's no logical reason to believe this, but deep in my bones I have a knowing that everything will turn out okay. Everything will probably turn out better than okay, and if that's the case, it won't hold the same meaning for me. If I won the lottery tomorrow, I would be grateful for peace of mind, but the money wouldn't mean the same to me as it used to. I would do different things with it than if I won the lottery five years ago, or even six months ago. I mean, it's a moot point because I don't even buy lottery tickets, but you know what I mean.

The gift of non-attachment, I am learning, is that peace is found within, not in circumstance. Peace doesn't mean indifference to my circumstances, but the power to transcend them. Choosing peace over panic feels like the ultimate power move. In addition to always feeling anxious, I used to always feel powerless too. I love feeling powerful after a lifetime of living in victim-mentality. Peace is power because it is detachment from the outcome. I am the most powerful when I choose integrity and character and peace in the face of all that would seek to steal it from me, because power is hidden within choice. Circumstances and end-goals are always beyond our control, but surrender and acceptance are always within it. It's pretty cool that we all have access to that.

Anyway, I don't really have a call to action to end this blog post with. I just wanted to share my thoughts, so here's a picture of my new haircut instead:

I had pink hair for a while, not because I thought it looked good, but because I caught myself wanting to play small and had to force myself to show up. You can't play small with pink hair because if you do you just end up looking awkward. I happily removed the pink and my split ends and now I love my new haircut so much. The little things are the only things I have right now and I derive so much joy from them. I don't look joyful in this picture, because taking selfies brings me very little joy, but on the whole I really am, because I'm learning to love myself through any and every circumstance.

Thanks for reading. I love you. Now go love yourself too.

✌️❤️