Perfection

Happy Sunday. I just sat through what was probably the most healing church experience I have ever had. I won’t go into it, but truly I feel seen and acknowledged by the God of the Universe.

I went for a drink with my brother last night. When I got home, I walked in the door knowing I needed to cry. As lovely as our time was, it also brought up some old wounds, none of which he is responsible for. Family stuff is complicated, you know? I prepared myself for an evening of attending to my feelings as they made their way through and out of me. This is my process, and it works. As I walked down the hall into my bedroom, tears came, just as anticipated. Then, as I walked into my room, my inner monologue spoke and said, “I am so grateful to be home. I love my sanctuary, I feel so safe here.” I stopped in my tracks when I heard that voice.

That gratitude-filled inner monologue is the same voice that used to berate and criticize me at every possible opportunity. It’s the voice that used to steal peace from me anytime I let my guard down. It is the voice that was once a child’s rage at the injustice of the world, turned inwards on herself. How far I have come is astounding to me, and in that moment yesterday I recognized the profound difference in the way my subconscious speaks to me now. I am no longer afraid of what happens in my own mind, because it’s peaceful there now. It’s encouraging. My thoughts are full of gratitude and acceptance and so much Love. My tears became about something else entirely. In the end, I cried for less than a minute, and then I was done. It wasn’t spiritual bypassing, or, “good vibes only,” I just didn’t need what I thought I needed, because I have done so much work already.

Amidst my childhood sadness and my grown-up attitude, my inner monologue spoke more wisdom to me. One of my less desirable patterns is to feel sorry for myself when I think about how unfair life is. Life IS unfair, but my dark side tends to convince me that life is more unfair for me than for other people. That is the lie of isolation, that we are alone in our suffering. This is not true. Life is just differently unfair for others, no more or no less. We don’t always recognize unfairness because of our privilege, which blocks us from learning the truth about ourselves through struggle. Privilege is as unfair as being forced to deal with things you have no control over.

Anyway, I started down that thought pathway again, asking God when the struggle was going to stop, when, before I had even finished my question, I heard the answer: it isn’t. What a relief. What a relief to be reminded that I don’t have to wait around for the perfect moment to happen upon me. I've waited for years and perfection still hasn’t happened. Eventually I stopped waiting and I started accepting that struggle is a part of life. Accepting this helped me release my attachment to the impossibility of perfection and simply stay present in my life. Paradoxically (as always), this presence has shown me that anytime suffering exists, so does Love and peace and joy and opportunity and so much more. The gift is that we can make each moment whatever we want it to be. Suffering is truth, but so is triumph. All possibilities are available to us as a gift from God that we can assemble ourselves, like the best gift of all: Lego.

I’m having more of these profound moments lately, and I am overwhelmed. My heart is expanding with so much Love that it’s unbearable sometimes, but I still want more. I am Loved and I know it. I am abundant because of Love. I have clarity on who I am, who I want to be, and where I am going. I know what I want for myself, why I want it, and how capable I am of getting there, even if I don’t have the roadmap yet. The many trials I have been through have taught me how strong I am. The darkness I have faced has taught me how resilient I can be. The healing I have done has shown me how expansive my heart is. Every bad thing I have been through and done has been transmuted into something good and beautiful because I embraced Love and I stayed the course.

Nothing is perfect in my life. Nothing is ever going to be. This is the gift of the Universe, to show me what Love really is. Love isn’t perfection, it’s a choice in how we choose to view the world and ourselves. The more we can imperfectly love that which is also imperfect, the closer we are to God, who is, according to some, perfect. Love is choice and love is paradox and Love is all things and is in all things.

Be Love. Love yourself, love your neighbour, even when things aren’t perfect. That’s it.

✌️❤️