Why I Write

Every so often, usually when I'm already feeling low, I experience waves of terror that wash over me as I consider how vulnerable I've been on the internet. Sometimes I respond to this by going dark for a few days, before I reappear with more tenacity than ever. This is because being vulnerable is my deepest fear and I don't want to be ruled by my fears, I want to be ruled by Love. Being fearless doesn't mean I never experience fear, because I do. I'm scared of everything. Being fearless just means I don't let it stop me.

A few years ago I went through a period of personal growth triggered by somebody who activated all of my deepest insecurities. My fear of becoming like those who hurt me, my fear of not having a voice, my fear of being overpowered by those with ill-intent; all of this was triggered by a person who chose to celebrate their brokenness, rather than be motivated to grow through it. In due character, I chose to dive headlong into my discomfort and explore the edges of what I thought I was capable of. I chose to start writing my truth on a public instagram account, knowing it would be read by the person who triggered me and others like them. I hate conflict, and this step that might have seemed passive-aggressive came from a deeply authentic place within me, even if it also reveal some unhealed tendencies at the same time. Over time my voice grew and writing became more about my desire to speak up and less about who I was speaking to. My own passive aggressive tendencies settled too, as my words were mirrored back to me. Our triggers are a gift, because they can drive us to heal.

Writing has helped me heal from a lot of things. Writing helps me slow down and clearly communicate what's inside. I've always desired to be understood, but I haven't always understood myself. Writing helps with that. When I go back and read what I've written, whether months later or a minute later, I see myself from a different perspective. I write all the time: in my journal, in the journal on my phone, and in a micro-journal on my phone (this is the best thing, by the way. Highly recommended). When I share my writing, I take it from personal to public and it is terrifying, which is exactly why I do it.

The truth is, I often feel very alone in the world. I share my thoughts because there's a chance that others out there might connect. I also share my thoughts for my younger self. If time is an illusion (it is), then bravely putting myself out there builds confidence into all the past versions of Steph who bit her tongue and stayed silent. Truthfully, that is my only end goal, because I have no control over anything else. I can't force people to listen to me. I can't make them understand, and I can't force anyone to respond. There's nothing that a writer or speaker can do to control their audience. It's the most humbling practice of non-attachment to bare your soul and have no clue what the response will be. I actually still have no clue what the response to my writing is, which is part of why I still get terrified. I'm speaking out into the void and I have not yet heard anything back, other than the echo of my own voice. BUT, that echo now speaks back to me with Love, and that is the greatest win of all. Take that, fear.

I guess my closing statement is this: don't stop doing the things that scare you. You're growing from it every time you stare down those lies that hold you back. Some of us have more lies to fight, but nobody else can do it for us. Fair or unfair, this is our responsibility. Doing the things that scare you empowers you to do the things that you deeply desire to do. The world needs more passionate, fierce leaders who won't let their past hold them back from a better future, but this kind of leadership doesn't happen overnight. It's built through the many small moments in which self-doubt and insecurity seek to hold us back, but we refuse to let our own cycles continue any longer. It's messy and ugly (as evidenced through my documented journey of growth), but it's worth it as we become more and more like the versions of ourselves that we are proud of. I am somebody that my teenage self would love, even if I'm not yet the person who I want to be today. Face your fears, do the things that scare you. It's worth it to come to the end of yourself and find only Love there.

❤️✌️